Heart Failure

I have a confession for you all. I have serious heart problems. My psychological heart that is. For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been reading a lot of verses and ministry portions in my morning time with the Lord concerning dealing with our heart, and each time I feel like I get more of a glimpse of my real condition. And let me tell you, what I see isn’t pretty. This is what I’ve been diagnosed with – my heart is hard, wicked, deceitful, bitter, evil, impure – and that’s just the tip of the iceberg. In most cases, such a condition is terminal, and the Bible says it’s actually incurable, but I’m happy that I know the best heart specialist in town. He actually specializes in terminal and incurable cases.

Why is it so important for us to know our heart? Because it’s the soil in which Christ grows and it’s the pathway through which His life flows. If our heart is hard or full of rocks and thorns, there is no way Christ can take root, grow, or bear fruit in us (Matt. 13:31-33). Using another analogy, in our regenerated spirit we have a wonderful, pure, perfect source of eternal, divine, incorruptible life, but this life has to flow through something to be expressed. The Bible tells us to guard our heart above all that we guard because out of it flows the springs of life. You can have the purest, cleanest water in a well, but if that water flows through a dirty, filthy hose, what comes out at the end will not be drinkable, in fact it will make you sick. Out of the abundance of our heart we speak, so if our heart is right and proper, what we speak can actually water and build up others. But if it’s not, we not only defile others, but ourselves as well. (Matt. 15:18-19)

I feel like the Lord has really been touching my speaking lately, which is the clearest indication of what is actually in my heart. The other day I lamented to Larry that sometimes I don’t know why I go all ballistic on CC. In my efforts to discipline him, what comes out of my mouth is just filthy water. What I’m telling him may be right, but the tone in which it comes out shows that I have a very sick heart. I had to confess to the Lord that yes, something in me wanted not just to discipline, but to go beyond that, to make him feel bad, to feel shameful, it was words of discipline mixed with anger and maliciousness. When the light shined, I had to agree, yes Lord, this is what is in my heart and I need help. I finally stopped pretending that I was okay and came to the one who knows my case and knows the healing art. That’s when I realized that there’s still hope for me.

Sometimes when the situation is dire, surgery is required. There’s the need to make deep cuts which might not be so pleasant. But even though it may repair the heart, surgery doesn’t maintain the heart in a healthy condition. Only eating right and exercise can do that. That’s where I feel I am right now. The Lord may have performed some emergency laser surgery, but it’s up to me to cooperate by eating what will keep my heart healthy. It’s up to me to get up in the morning to get into the word, to choose not to do things that will just clog up those arteries again. So even though the diagnosis was severe, I think thankfully the prognosis is good. I hear that if I cooperate, this heart specialist has a 100% cure rate.

If you’d like to read more ministry on dealing with the heart, this book is a wonderful resource and rendered me a lot of help.

Five Minute Friday – Listen

The prompt for this week is…

Listen

GO

If I had a penny for every time I said, “Are you listening?” to my son, I would be a rich woman. So many times it seems like my words are just not getting into those little two ears. Most days I feel like I’m just a broken tape recorder and if I have to tell CC to sit down properly and eat his dinner one more time, I’m going to snap.

Then when I least expect it, the owner of those same two little ears will fling my words back at me. Words that I thought he didn’t hear or words not meant for him to hear. Sometimes it’s comical, sometimes it makes me want to cringe. To hear harsh words come out of that little mouth and realize that they were learned from me. I thought he wasn’t listening, but the reality is, he’s listening all the time. I’m not the tape recorder, he is…and not just audio either. He’s a little video camera following me around all the time and there’s no standby button for those two little ears and eyes. I push the right button in him and get a playback of all my own angry words and gestures and tones. Maybe I’m the one who needs to start listening.

STOP

FIve Minute Friday – Fall

The prompt for this week is…

Fall

GO

The feeling of it is both thrilling and terrifying at the same time. If you just live in the moment, all you feel is the rush of wind, images swirling around you like a Monet painting, feeling like you’re the only person in the world. But then it hits you, you see the ground and you wonder how you will land, who, if anyone, will catch you and panic quickly sets in. Now you’re falling so fast that you don’t have time to scream, you don’t have time to enjoy the blur of images flying by, the sound of wind rushing in your ears. All you can think is, I’m falling…falling…falling.

Then as soon as it began, it’s over. You’re enveloped by big strong arms. In the back of your mind, you knew those arms would be there all along. You knew He would never let you hit the ground. So you don’t forget that the next time it happens. The next time you just enjoy the thrill and wait for those arms to catch you.

STOP

School’s almost out!

Next week will be CC’s last week of preschool and let’s just say I’m not counting down the days. It’ll be time to say goodbye to those quiet lazy late mornings when Turner is snoozing in his crib and I can actually have time to sip coffee and get into the Word. Goodbye to shower time, brush and even flatiron my hair time, pick up the mess in peace time, grocery shop with only one kid in the cart time. I’m really going to miss those three lovely morning hours.

Time to say hello to actually having a plan for the day and resisting the temptation to let CC watch videos three hours in a row. To evening showers and picking up the mess and doing dishes the night before so that at least I don’t begin the day with chaos. To finding creative ways to occupy an active three and half year old while his baby brother is napping. To getting used to spending personal time with the Lord with the theme song of Dinosaur Train playing in the background.

On the bright side, it will also mean that the boys will get to spend more time together going to places we haven’t been to for awhile. Here are some of our favorite spots, so if you’re a mom who will be going through school withdrawal after next week, come and join us!

• Habitot - awesome indoor hands-on play museum for younger kids in downtown Berkeley. I love how it’s not too big so it’s easy to keep an eye on all your kids even when they’re doing different activities. There are frequently deals on Livingsocial or Groupon for multiple visits and the Berkeley Public Library also offers free passes. You can also purchase a special summer membership which gives you unlimited visits until the end of September. 
  
• Oakland Zoo – admission is pricey, but again library offers free passes. You don’t have to pay admission for the rides and train located outside of the zoo, just the price of the ride tickets.
• Little Farm at Tilden – make sure you stock up on celery and lettuce before you go!
• Lawrence Hall of Science – fun for all ages. Great indoor hands-on exhibits and fun outdoor play areas. Once again, look for a library pass!
• Children’s Fairyland – such a fun place for the little ones – rides, animals, train, carousels, puppet theater, just to name a few. I scored a livingsocial deal for a year membership which I split with another mom, which gives me and the kids unlimited visits for a year for about $20. Sounds like a fairy tale to me!

What places will you be taking your kids to this summer?

Mission control at Habitot

Calgon, take me away!

This was one of my earliest blog posts soon after I had CC. I was reminded of it this morning when I was in the shower because it’s still true…except now it happens the minute Turner’s eyes close and CC gets picked up for school. I know if I can make it into the shower in the morning, it’ll be a good day.

 

 

Now that Christopher’s  nap schedule is getting more consistent, I can finally start showering every day again. He will usually wake up around 6:30 or 7:00, stay up for a couple of hours and take his first morning nap at around 9:00 and sleep anywhere from 30 minutes to 2 hours. The minute his eyes close, I run to the bathroom and start running the hot water. As I step into the bathtub and feel the hot streams of water massaging my head and back, I’m magically transported to a place where there are no crying babies and no dirty diapers to change…a place where there is just me and the soothing sound of water.

When I’m in the shower, I feel like I’m finally alone with my thoughts. All kinds of thoughts run through my mind while I lather and rinse. Some days I use my time in the shower to make mental to-do lists, shopping lists and plan menus for the day/week ahead. Some days I find myself pondering and mulling over deep questions like, “What does it really mean for us to reign in life?” or “How do we practically live Christ?”  On other days, I’m lost in daydreaming. On a rare occasion the shower is my Holy of Holies as the bathroom resonates with the sounds of praying, praising and singing.

After what feels like an eternity, I start to feel my skin getting pruney and so I reluctantly reach to turn off the faucet. As I step out of the warm steamy sauna and towel off, I feel like I can conquer the world. I am ready. Ready to tackle the pile of dirty dishes in the sink left from the night before. Ready to fold the mounds of laundry. Ready to be a mom. It’s amazing what 15 minutes of hot water can do.

Five Minute Friday – Imagine

The prompt for this week is…

Imagine

GO

Last night I had dinner with a friend and she told me about her sister-in-law who’s a military mom stationed in Alaska. Every year and a half her husband gets deployed for six months, leaving her home with four kids and a fifth on the way. They have no family in Alaska and she homeschools her kids. Last week I visited an old college friend who is also in the military. Both she and her husband are Airforce doctors. She had a baby two months ago while her husband was deployed. As I hear these stories, the only thing that I can say is, “I can’t imagine what that’s like.” I can’t imagine what it’s like to have your husband gone for so long, to have to raise your kids by yourself while he’s time zones away. I just can’t imagine it. Where do these women find the strength to bear it? My husband left on Tuesday for a five day trip and already I feel like it’s been too long. How do these women do it? How do they keep mothering every day and sleep alone at night? And I kept asking myself, “Could I ever do that?”

Someone once told me that the Lord would never put us in a situation where we don’t have enough grace. We might find ourselves in hard circumstances, but if we’re there because the Lord willed it, He will make sure the supply of grace is not only enough but even exceeds what we need. It all depends on whether we’re willing to come forward and take the grace. There will be times when we can’t bear it anymore, can’t take it anymore, and can’t even fake it anymore. That’s when we need grace. Grace is the Lord Himself within us, living in us to bear it, to take it, to not have to fake it.

Now I know why I can’t imagine it. I’m trying to apply the supply of grace I have to someone else’s situation and of course that doesn’t compute. The grace I have now is for where I am right now; it’s not less or more than what other’s have, it’s just different. There’s no need for me to try to imagine myself in some one else’s shoes. What I need to do is to take grace while walking in my own shoes, the daily grace that is very real and not at all imaginary.

STOP

All Aboard to the Train Museum!

Last week was another staycation for us, and as with all our vacations, it involved a train ride. This time though, we took CC on a real Amtrak train and not just a kiddie train. We took the train from Berkeley to Sacramento (about an hour and fifty minute ride) to visit the train museum. Yes, it was quite a train filled day. CC was in train heaven.

We went with our friends Seng and Jess, their two year old son Ethan, and a college student from our small group. The boys could barely contain their excitement and pretty much narrated everything they saw out the window on the way there – water, bridges, ships, the Bart train, trucks – just to name a few. Luckily we snagged some seats in the dining car so we didn’t disturb any sleeping or working passengers. The boys also enjoyed roaming through the cars with their dads.

Once we got to Sacramento, it was a short walk to the train museum from the station. The museum has two floors, the first houses replicas of old steam trains from different eras and goes through the history of the railroad. The second floor has model train exhibits and Thomas the train tables for kids to play with, which of course was the boys’ favorite part of the museum.

 

 

We had lunch in Old Sac, also only a short walk from the museum. Tons of families were out and occasionally you’d see policemen riding around on horses or people walking around dressed like pioneers. After lunch we got some Gunther’s ice cream and headed back to the Amtrak station. Turner pretty much slept the whole way back and CC sacked out on the seat for about half an hour. All in all it was a great way to spend a Saturday.